Ladies, I have hit a block.
It is so big and here I am trying to break through it.
I feel like I can't write. Feel like I can't do anything but cry. Feel like I can't see a reason to be here anymore, even though Mimmo is here...he's my reason...I can't believe my pessimistic husband ("I'm a realist," he always says) has this iron will to live, to move on, to get through this....and he believes that we will get better...that we have to...that there's too much of life that we need to live. "Dobbiamo lottare," he says ("We have to fight on"). I am tired. I just see a black hole. Pain. Injustice. I don't feel like I fit in anymore with my family, with my friends, with the world.
My co-worker asked me "how was your weekend?" after she told me that she went camping. I was truly happy for her that she had such a good weekend, enjoying the first day of the camping season. But, when she asked me "how was your weekend?," "what did you do?," I just didn't know how to respond. I spent the weekend crying and raging. Mimmo worked and I holed up for the most part in the apartment. It was hot and it felt like summer had come and I just wanted the day to become night. I told D that honestly, I don't even remember what I did this weekend.
I stare at Mimmo when he's sleeping and see Salvatore. I freaked out this morning because I thought he'd stopped breathing.
I have flashbacks everywhere. On the train. On my 10 min. break between classes. In line at Peet's. So many times when I see a baby.
Time is moving and it's now past 6 months...When M & I talked about ttc (he wanted to immediately), I said I wasn't ready and that maybe I would be at 6 months. I still feel scared and although I desperately want a baby, I also want Salvatore. However, in the last couple of weeks, I've been doing the looking at Italian baby names on the net thing. Oh, I also google drama school classmates to torture myself and see what they are doing with their lives while I'm a lost deadbabymamma. One of them just did a panel with Matthew Modine, some are touring with bands, and others are plugging away in New York. I know that I can't compare myself, especially now, but I don't know what to believe in anymore...about who I am, where I'm going, or what I want anymore.
So many tears, I feel numb.
