Ladies, I have hit a block.
It is so big and here I am trying to break through it.
I feel like I can't write. Feel like I can't do anything but cry. Feel like I can't see a reason to be here anymore, even though Mimmo is here...he's my reason...I can't believe my pessimistic husband ("I'm a realist," he always says) has this iron will to live, to move on, to get through this....and he believes that we will get better...that we have to...that there's too much of life that we need to live. "Dobbiamo lottare," he says ("We have to fight on"). I am tired. I just see a black hole. Pain. Injustice. I don't feel like I fit in anymore with my family, with my friends, with the world.
My co-worker asked me "how was your weekend?" after she told me that she went camping. I was truly happy for her that she had such a good weekend, enjoying the first day of the camping season. But, when she asked me "how was your weekend?," "what did you do?," I just didn't know how to respond. I spent the weekend crying and raging. Mimmo worked and I holed up for the most part in the apartment. It was hot and it felt like summer had come and I just wanted the day to become night. I told D that honestly, I don't even remember what I did this weekend.
I stare at Mimmo when he's sleeping and see Salvatore. I freaked out this morning because I thought he'd stopped breathing.
I have flashbacks everywhere. On the train. On my 10 min. break between classes. In line at Peet's. So many times when I see a baby.
Time is moving and it's now past 6 months...When M & I talked about ttc (he wanted to immediately), I said I wasn't ready and that maybe I would be at 6 months. I still feel scared and although I desperately want a baby, I also want Salvatore. However, in the last couple of weeks, I've been doing the looking at Italian baby names on the net thing. Oh, I also google drama school classmates to torture myself and see what they are doing with their lives while I'm a lost deadbabymamma. One of them just did a panel with Matthew Modine, some are touring with bands, and others are plugging away in New York. I know that I can't compare myself, especially now, but I don't know what to believe in anymore...about who I am, where I'm going, or what I want anymore.
So many tears, I feel numb.
11 comments:
Lisa,
I am so sorry. I wish I knew what to say or what would make you feel better. I can only imagine what profound grief you are going through. I'd like to say that having another baby might help you feel happier and more positive- but I really don't know! You have to feel ready for that. Just know that I send my love and hugs and best wishes that you can find some peace soon.
Kim xxx
I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better. I feel the rage and injustice of it all too. But it has to get better, I think we just have to believe that. I know it's hard to imagine, but reading other blogs of women who are farther along in this journey give me glimmers of it. I am so sorry Salvatore is not here with you. I wish you find peace with it soon.
I am so sorry it has gotten so dark for you. I know the unbearable weight of the grief, teh endlessness of it. Have you looked for a private counselor? You went through so much, not just in losing him but in the whole time you had him here with you. It's no wonder you would have so many feelings of helplessness and despair. Don't be afraid to reach out for more help if you need it. If you need help finding someone in SF I have friends there who I can ask for referrals. Please let me know.
Thinking of you.
I'm still having trouble grasping everything that has happened. None of it makes sense. I wish I could just give you a bug right now...
...but soon enough! I booked my trip, I'll be in the Bay Area May 24-26. I've set time aside to see you.
Thinking of you, as always.
It's horribly depressing, some days it just seems like the sun can't penetrate the darkness in your heart. Hang in there. Maybe it gets better eventually someday.. That's what I'm hoping for.
I am so sorry you are having a rough time, Angelisa. I wish it was better. I wish this was easier. It's hard to know how to move forward when all we want is behind us...
lisa - i had my phone stolen and so i lost your number in it - i don't think the number i have in my address book is the most recent - my computer also blacked and so i lost email addresses as well! i wrote you but i don't know if it got to you -
just need your number and email so that i let you know i am thinking of you -
Love you Lis
Thinking of you, hoping you are doing ok.
Just checking in. Wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, and hoping you are doing okay. XO.
Wanted you to know I am thinking of you and checking here regularly to see if you have started to write again. I hope you are okay.
xxoo
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