It will be 6 months this Wednesday, March 19th.
6 fucking months. Seems pretty unbelievable.
Where am I now at 6 months? I've just started 2 new jobs. I am teaching English at an EFL school in SF and teaching in an afterschool drama program through a theatre co. I am still working at the bakery through the end of this month. I have been "functioning" pretty well in this new world so far (it's just been 1 week), but I guess it helps being in a brand new environment where no one knows me. The truth of the matter is though, that I don't know me.
Who is this person who wakes up in the morning and goes on with her day? Smiles and laughs even. Slips in a conversation with a customer, when asked, that the reason she wears her wedding ring around her necklace is because she hasn't lost the baby weight yet to fit it on her finger. Forgets that this, of course, means more questions and when the customer asks "How old is your baby?," she responds so calmly, "Oh, we lost him,". Who is this person?
I feel like an alien, studying how to be in the world. Feel like an alien, because I don't know *how* to be in this world. The only time I feel like I'm not an alien is when I am reading the blogs of all you incredible women in deadbaby land. I didn't start this blog thinking that I would find other women like me. I started it because I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer. And, when I started it, I sent an email to dear friends to reach out & share. My first comment was from a woman who randomly found my blog and had lost her first daughter 16 years ago. She went on to have 4 other daughters, she shared.
About a week after my first post, I found the babylossdirectory blog and peered through the incredible number of blogs. So many of us. So many.
6 months I am still swimming through this process. I honestly haven't been one to mark time. I don't often think about Salvatore in terms of how old he would be. He seemed to be everything he was just in those 10 days. But 6 months feels big. Just last week when I was on the bus, a woman sat next to me with her baby who started tugging at me right away. I asked how old he was. 6 months. Issac. A big boy. He's in his "grabbing stage".
This week, I am not looking forward to. I want to do something special on Wednesday for Salvatore and for us. I don't know yet what that is. Tomorrow Mimmo and I have our interview with immigration. You're supposed to bring pictures from your wedding. I will be bringing pictures also of the 3 of us - our family.
15 comments:
6 months. When all of this first happened, the idea of marking 6 months seemed so foreign to me. I thought I would be doing so well, so much better. 6 months is just around the corner for me; I find it so hard to believe so much time has passed.
I hope you and Mimmo find something meaningful to do to mark the 6 mth anniversary. I'm so sad you have to be remembering anything, that Salvatore is not here and that you can't just be enjoying your life as parents to him and not his memory.
Good luck at immigration tomorrow. There will be more questions, no doubt. Thinking of you and your family, Angelisa.
I will be thinking of you this week. You and your family.
Hugs
G
I'll be thinking of you, as always!
Oh Angelisa,
Isn't it just awful that there are so many of us and yet still you can feel so alone. I hope you find something really special to do on Wednesday.
Hang in there and always remember even tho you feel alone, we are all here, in it together.
Thinking of you.
I will be thinking of you this week. I can't imagine getting to the 6 month mark. Time seems to be moving very slow for me. I hope you find something nice to do in honor of Salvatore's 6 month mark.
what's a tease is that you have to go and prove that you two are married for real, when you two are the realest thing going for you at this point. to have a baby that died makes his father the realest person in the universe to his mother. it's weird how i look at my husband differently sometimes now, thinking, "you're her father, her daddy." and yet, you have to show some asshole your wedding photos and answer dumb-ass questions like what color toothbrush he has. what strange juxtaposition.
6 months is very strange too. my mind is pulling very very hard to make me forget it ever happened. i don't want it to be me anymore. but i'm losing my patience quickly and i'm getting anxious...which means feelings going underground. 6 months...and here we go again.
much love lisa -
Hey! How'd the meeting go???
Thank you all for your thoughts and support!
C.- The meeting went well. The immigration officer was a really kind woman. Of course, she had to ask standard questions, like if Mimmo was the father of Salvatore and ridiculous stuff like that. She also ended up sharing that her son had had the cord wrapped around his neck in birthing, but they ended up taking him out with forceps. Yes, even in immigration, there are birthing stories...I'll post more privately.
Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for all your thoughts...I wouldn't be able to make it through this week without you guys, really. I hope you are all taking care as well...
Thinking of you and Mimmo today, Angelisa.
Came here from CLC's blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's all just so horrible.
Hoping you were able to do something that brought you some small bit of peace today.
Angelisa,
I am so sorry I missed yesterday. But know that I think of you everyday, it doesn't have to be a special mark.
I'm sure 6 months is so hard. I hope you did something special yesterday.
I hope immigration went well today. I am thinking of you always!
Hope everything is going okay and that you found a way to mark the days.
Thinking of you.
Just checking in. Hope you are doing okay...
Angelisa,
Just checking in, hope you are doing alright. Thinking of you.
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