i tried to start a post here in the last few months about 3 times...saved, unfinished drafts with titles such as "joan didion", "making choices" and "returning to life?" with a very poignant question mark. i was having such a hard time explaining what was going on with me, let alone understanding it. basically, i fell into a very deep depression like i had never known. mimmo's always said that the hardest part was not when salvatore was born, when he was in the nicu, when we had the family meeting when they told us that there was no brain activity, when we had to decide to take him off of life support, when we took him off life support, when we had to decide if we were going to cremate him or bury him, when we picked his grave, when we had the funeral, when we buried him....all moments that at those *particular times* seemed the hardest moments. no, mimmo so astutely predicted that our hardest times where actually ahead of us...living...."moving on"...and in our case, finding out more disturbing medical information, things that did not go as they should have and trying to make sense of this life. this life...
so, i fell hard in april. it began with getting these medical records from children's. feeling betrayed and angry and unable to get the details and flashbacks and guilt and grief out of my mind. i felt like i had been kicked down the staircase to the first 3 months after salvatore's death. except this time, i was instead "in the real world"...needing to teach and function and go to my various jobs. like i said, i fell hard. so hard and so deep that i didn't know how to get myself out of it. i was, for the first time, feeling extremely suicidal and in such a "rational" way about it...when i had one day where in 2 hours i actually felt like myself and then saw myself in how i had been feeling that week...the thoughts and actions and feelings...writing suicidal notes and counting ambien pills and really, truly rationalizing the whole thing, i got so scared about who that person was....that's not me....that was deep deep depression and hopelessness and how did i even go there? ironically, (or not so ironically), i was confronted with a co-worker whose mother had just comitted suicide and then another new friend revealing to me that her father had comitted suicide when she was 10. i kept my secret hidden, ashamed. i was also confused about how i could feel so strongly in those moments and then be in another moment, where i felt ok...so, i started talking about it and sought more help. i started medication and actually called in sick 2 days to work. i am continuing writing this right now, a month later, in a very different place. how life changes -- constantly is changing.
where am i today? i am in my apartment. mimmo is in italy. i will be joining him there in 11 days. one of my best friends is pregnant and her very special son is coming in september...his due date is 3 days before salvatore's due date was and 1 day after his birth. as i am packing to put our things in storage here for the next few months while we are in italy, leila is coming over and we will be going through all of salvatore's things and see what baby malachy/malachi/malakai (i've named him...whatever his name will be, that's who he is to me :-) will be wanting. it feels really right...this new baby that's coming a year later...as if salvatore is his big brother, leila and i talked about, shepherding him on.
it's funny, this life. that same month of september, one year ago, i was very pregnant and leila and j came over to have breakfast and paint my belly cast together. i walked into the room as leila was dabbing away tears and j was handing her a kleenex and i said "what's wrong?,'. "uh, it's just hard," she said. "we've been trying. i just feel frustrated." later, j asked me in a supportive way "how was that for you?," and i said "oh, it's fine," and i hugged lei and looked at her watery eyes and said "oh, m'dear, it hasn't even been that long.," "i know" she said, still wiping away tears. "they come sometimes when you just don't expect them," and true to form...she told me later that the month that they'd stopped trying was the month that they got pregnant.
i must go as she just called and we are going to the temescal street fair...much more to say....and much love to you all with deep gratitude for your messages and understanding. deep gratitude for knowing you all, even in the seeming awfulness of this part of all our journeys. but, i can say in this moment...deep hope for all of us....for all that is to be.
much much love.
7 comments:
Wow, seems you have a lot going on and that you've been through the roughest, toughest of times. I am so sorry that I couldn't jump through the computer and grab you and help you through it.
I am thinking of you and glad to see you back posting. Please know I am always here! Big hugs to you.
It's so hard Angelisa. I don't want you to feel like you are alone in this. I mean we are all alone with our individual grief, but I feel you pain, and I wish I could change it. Thinking of you, and hoping for the best!
I've missed you, Angelisa. I've been worried about you since your last post. You've been so quiet. Now I know why. I am relieved to hear you have sought out help and that things are, hopefully, back on track.
How long will you be in Italy?
Please know that we are always thinking of you, wishing you strength and love, and some reprieve from this awful, life-altering grief. I hold you and Salvatore so very close to my heart, hon. Please keep in touch, kay? XO.
hello, dear ladies,
a - thanks, sweet*heart* (amy, you really do have the biggest heart!). big hugs to you too.
clc - i have been keeping up with your blog and have been so touched by your strength. also, although i couldn't quite get the words out to comment, i was glad to see that you were getting help too. you're doing the z, i see and i'm doing the p. more to say, clc. but, for now, just love & strength.
c - dear dear c. so much has happened with you in my absence! congrats are in order! i'm also floored by your bravery in sharing this part of the journey and i am sending all my love and hope to you and the jelly bean. i will be in italy for 3-4 months. more on that later.
I am so glad that you are back and that you sought help when you were in the depths of despair. I was worried when you were silent for so long. It was such a relief to see your comment at my place and now to have read what you were going through, I feel terrible that you felt so alone and that there wasn't more we could do for you from here. If you ever get to that place again, please know you can always email, call, anything and I will be there for you.
I hope being in Italy revives your heart, soul and your mind.
You are in my thoughts, always.
P.S. I hope you will write more about what you found in your medical records, if you feel you can.
Oh, I can't tell you how happy I was to see a new post by you! I was worried, but knew you had a lot going on (3 jobs?). I am sorry for the pain and the depth of despair you hit, but I am so glad to hear you got help and are doing OK now. The world is a better place with you in it.
Have a wonderful, safe trip. I hope to hear more from you and see pix.
Keeping you in my thoughts,
xox
g
k@laky, thanks m'dear for your supportive words. actually, your comment from my last post got me thinking more about getting more support at that time...we have been seeing a therapist for couples and i was seeing a social worker as well, but things got very busy with my jobs and i had also never considered medication before...anyway, thanks for reaching out as you did and as you do...unfortunatley, i was just in such a rut, i didn't know for a bit how to get out of it or look at it, ask for help, etc...until i did...oh, i've been writing about the records/medical stuff on my private blog. if you send me your e-mail, i'll send you the link. i'm at angelisa.russo@gmail.com
much love to you!
G-you rock, grrly. thank you for your sweet words. i will be keeping up from the other side (il vecchio mondo, ha ha) and will hopefully be posting pix (we'll see about that internet connection when i get there). much love to you too!
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