Ok, I did it. Got the first post out and today is a new day. I felt quite compelled last night to just start writing, already, damn it. But, was also scared of what I was saying, how it would be perceived, putting out there truthfully where I'm at, etc. I wanted to thank you guys who left comments and who have sent me e-mails. I know that leaving comments on blogs is not the style for all (me included, at times), but I did want to encourage you to leave them if you feel compelled. Some of the e-mails that I've received are quite touching and I feel like whatever the hell I'm trying to do here is heal in some way and that, perhaps, for others who read this and write their own thoughts as well, it will be healing for us all. Again, no pressure. But, I just wanted to say that I'm putting this out there, so feel free to put yourself out there as well, if you like. I know I'm not the only one going through it right now.
Moving on to the the 2nd C of the day...
Curves.
Yes, I've joined Curves.
One of my New Year's resolutions was to try and get my body back in shape. I'm still a little less than 20 lbs. over my pre-pregnancy weight, and depression, coupled with a life-long sweet tooth, has made it challenging to try and shed these extra pounds. So, my plan of attack in the New Year was to try all the gyms that offered free week or day passes to at least begin to get some exercise while I'm pretty much broke with a capital B (I meant to write). Curves was the first of the lot. For those of you who don't know, it's a 30-minute circuit training that's just for the ladies. They have mad 80's beats going on which I adore. Yes, it does have a bit of an 80's aerobic feel to it mixed with an Oprah Winfrey attitude. There are Oprah-ish affirmations everywhere, daily "word scrambles" on the board to unscramble while you work out. But, I'm digging Curves. It's just about what I need right now in an exercise program and another world to dip in and visit every once in a while. And, believe me, it is another world.
You go around in a circle 2x (makes 30 min.) and for the tougher ones, sometimes 3 or 4 times. Being the overachiever that I am, I did it 3x the first go. Then I felt the burn the next day. Remembering how being an overachiever for me also means sometimes, early burn-out, I have decided to take it slow and just do the recommended 30min. workout 3x week. Last week there was another overachiever making the rounds and Sarah, the owner, was trying to talk her into taking it down a notch, as she was breathing so heavy and not able to talk normally. The girl was determined though. Sarah explained that you don't want your heartrate to go up too high, because then you're not burning fat. I usually come in, do my workout quietly, and leave just as quietly, but I wanted to ask her some questions about this, so I opened my mouth. Opening my mouth, as I'm learning, is opening up to the world again.
She started asking me all kinds of questions about my workout before. I told her how I had done pilates, yoga, ran (off & on), walked, swam...
"When?," she asked.
"On and off, over the last 5 years, I 'd say,".
"Well, what about more recently before you came to Curves?,"
"Um, well, I was pregnant before. So, well, I did do some yoga, walking. More toward the end I wasn't doing so much,"
"Congratulations!," the overachiever responded, "That's exciting,"
I smiled slightly, not feeling like I wanted to explain and just got to the next "station" to do bicep curls. She continued.
"Well, your upper body strength must be really strong now. Carrying the baby and all.," she continued, waiting for more than the half-smile I offered before.
I took a breath and said "Um, well, actually, I um, lost my son shortly after childbirth...,"
"Oh...I'm so sorry...God, I'm so nosy...,"
"No," I said, "I mean.." I just shrugged my shoulders.
"That's go to be the hardest thing," she said.
"Yeah. Well, that's why this has been good for me. You know, physically, but also psychologically. To get back in my body..."
I was trying to be the model mamma who lost her baby and not the freak that I felt like whenever this comes up.
'I'm sorry," she said, again.
"Thank you"
As soon as I finished my workout, I said goodbye to her and Sarah and got out of there as quick as I could. I started bawling as soon as I hit the parking lot.
The next day I received a card in the mail from Curves. I figured it was more promotional junk. Instead was a card. On the outside it said:
"She surrounded herself with people who said "You Can".
Inside was a personal note from the owner saying how she was touched
by hearing me tell someone how I had lost my son after childbirth and
how she wanted to say that they care about me. "We love you," she
said.
I *heart* Curves.
Ok, I was going to get to my next favorite place, Cafe Mariposa, but I've literally got to get myself there now (I'm late for work!). So more on the third C later...
For, now, you can take a look at my heaven...
http://mariposabaking.com
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