How many times?

Here, we go.

Another damn blog.

I tried many different titles with "time", but they were all taken:

itstime.blogspot.com
itsabouttime.blogspot.com
whattimeisit.blogspot.com

So, I thought to try the beginning to one of my favorite quotes:

"Time is a tease. Time is a tease because everything happens in its own time" - Andre Breton

Ain't that the f$%&!@#kin' truth.

So, here I am and what time is it? It's time to start writing my way through this process. It's not gonna be pretty and it's not gonna be perfect. I don't know how witty I can make this or even interesting. I can only say that it's truth I'm seeking and I need to tell it like it is. I simply can't get through this time without expressing myself any longer because I feel I'm about ready to burst.

So, let's start now. Let's start on time.

It's been 5 months since Salvatore's birthday. Almost 5 months since he passed away. There's nothing I can say (not yet, anyway) to explain or understand how I've even gotten to today.

Today I received an email from my old boss in Italy. The subject read: back when? He basically asked me when I was coming back to Naples. I responded as follows:

Hi Carlos,

This is my new e-mail. Just got your message. I am in America. Our
son, Salvatore was born in Sept. and suffered complications at birth
and died 10 days later. I am still recuperating here and don't know
yet when/if we'll be returning to Italy. Am trying to take care and
get through this difficult time.

I will be in contact if/when I return.

Best,
Angelisa

He responded by telling me how sorry he was to hear this news and also shared with me how last year he was operated on for a brain tumor. We've never met, Carlos & I, because he's in Milan and I was contracted to work in Naples. Our relationship was strictly telephone, text messages & e-mail kinda deal. And, here we were again, but this time sharing very intimate details of our life through e-mail. He went on to tell me how "Our Lady" had been beside him throughout, how he's "sure God will give you the grace to bear this burden and that He will give you all the happiness you deserve,". And he shared with me that last week his father "dropped dead from a heart attack. He was 81 and in excellent health,". I wrote him back to thank him for his kind e-mail and express how sorry I was to hear about his father. I have no room in my life anymore for platitudes, so that's about all I could write. I told him I'd be in contact if/when I returned to Italy and sent him some pictures of Salvatore.





I decided to finally respond to another email that was sent by my other old bosses in Pozzuoli, Stephania and Antonella. They had sent an email to my old address asking me how I was, if I was still in America and that they wanted to hear my news. I just hadn't been able to gather myself up properly to respond to them before. How does one deliver the news that their baby has died? There's really no protocol, I'm learning. Since, I had just responded to Carlos' email, I figured it was as good of time as any. I basically copied my e-mail to Carlos, except I sent it in Italian. I also decided to send a couple of pictures to them of Salvatore. While I was doing this, my cell phone rang. I didn't respond as I didn't recognize the number. After I sent off the e-mail, I checked my message.

"Hi Angelisa, this is Rachel calling - Rachel who did your belly cast - and I'm calling to ask you a question. I'm just wondering how you're doing. I'm sure you have your hands full with motherhood, but I'm actually just about to launch my website for my little side business and I have a photo of you that I would love to use on my site and would just like your permission to be able to use it....,"

At this point, I just wanted to shake my hands up to the sky and say "Could you gimme a break, please?!,"

But, I figured, well I've just sent off these 2 e-mails. I'm on a roll here it seems. So, I called Rachel back. I told her how we lost Salvatore. I also told her how grateful I was that I did the belly casting as I have this special memento of his life and our shared life together. She was kind, and, as is normal, at a loss for words. I told her that I would be willing to let her use the photos. She was hesitant and told me that she'd send them to me and that only if I felt comfortable and was 100% okay with it, she would post them on her site. She sent them to me and I had to smile. I was so big at the time and about ready to pop. Even after all that's happened. I can still remember a happy moment.

That was a happy moment.


I told her I would be happy and honored to have the photo on her website.