I was going to start a different post here, but I'm so ANGRY.....
GRRRRRRRR
It is month 5 and it felt like when the clock struck midnight, entering into this month, all my anger and rage decided to bubble forth and spew....
I'm mad at people that don't get it.
I'm mad at Mimmo.
I'm mad at God.
I'm mad at myself.
I'm mad that Salvatore is not here.
I'm mad that I was never parented, myself.
I'm mad that Mimmo and I have wanted our whole lives to be a mamma and a papa
and it seems like such a cruel joke.
I'm mad that I'm left standing on this new road
and I don't know where to go.
I'm mad that besides the sheer weight of dealing with life without Salvatore
we also have to deal with money problems, finding work, Mimmo's lengthy
immigration process, living in a society where we are all so insular from one another.
I'm mad that I'm mad.
I'm mad that I have these bad dreams that never seem to give me a break from the reality.
They just seem to (well, at least in THIS moment) make me more MAD.
I'm mad that I will never get to rock Salvatore as I wanted to rock him today.
Turning on the ignition, "Let it Be" came on the radio.
I wanted to be looking in the rear view mirror at my boo,
And, sing out the lyrics to him.
Smile and Dance.
Instead, like the mother of a dead baby,
I just sang and cried.
Wishing he was here.
Mad because he never will be.
I am mad that there are people who are parents
that hurt their children
and get away with it
and their children somehow miraculously grow up
to be okay in the world
and when its their turn to become parents
they aren't given that right
Yes, I'm mad that while I am mourning the death of my son
My father is on television, out there in the world,
He, who brought so much destruction and hurt to his wife and his two daughters
gets to live and thrive in our society?
While my beautiful innocent son died?
Where's the justice in that?
God, I'm mad, that as a little girl
all I did was pray to you to make me good
because I thought I was doing something
bad for all these bad things to be happening to me
I'm mad that I still, at times, think this now
At 33
Even when I know better
Even when I know I did nothing wrong
I still want answers to why we must suffer
I'm mad that there's no answers
and just more questions
I'm mad that I can't wave a magic wand
and make it all go away
for us all.
I'm mad that you're not listening to me.
I'm mad that when we went yesterday
to Salvatore's grave
there was all this new green growth on
his patch of land.
That the landscape had changed so much.
It seemed that Spring had arrived
And, it seemed a cruel reminder
that life goes on...
Even when you don't want it to
because you should be watching your son grow
not the grass on his grave.
I'm mad that I have to write this.
What do you do with your anger?
What do you do when you're mad???
,
9 comments:
Oh Angelisa,
I know this anger. I am so sorry that you are feeling it. I scream and throw things maybe not the best way to deal but it's my way!
I am sending you hugs and wishing you some peace.
When I'm not feeling completely devastated and sad, I am mad. For so many of the reasons you list.
Like so many others, I sit and stew in my anger. Take it out on the wrong people. Avoid it. Try to fill it with things. I've never been an angry person, but, some days, I am overwhelmed by it. I am weighed down by the pressure of it.
Blogging helps. Considerably. I hope, at some point, the anger in me settles down. Nobody said this life was going to be fair and good all the time. I just have to accept that to be true.
Thinking of you, Angelisa.
Amy - thank you. Screaming and throwing things seems like a healthy way to me (at least if you're not throwing things AT someone :-). Thank you for your hugs and wishes. I appreciate them deeply. And, I'm sending them right back to you...
C.-Yes, I think, I hope, I'm experimenting with the idea that blogging does help...and, it seems like it does...after I wrote that rant, something felt just a little bit lighter. Thanks for your thoughts, C...
Anger seems to be one of my most comfortable emotions lately. For all the reasons you list. Especially now that Spring is coming round and the list of things I don't get to experience with my baby grows longer.
I agree with C. Blogging does help, I am glad your post made you feel a bit lighter.
That or we all need to take a boxing class :)
I'm mad too :( You are the last person any of this should be happening to. It's not fair.
Angelisa this is my first time visiting your blog. I just want to say how sorry I am. So sorry.
I get very angry still. Like the others blogging has helped me a lot. Sometimes I just need to immerse myself in blogworld for a while and the sense of belonging I find helps me shift my anger.
It's still hard to deal with at times.
I do hope you find that being here blogging helps you too.
Lvgurl- thank you. You're such a good friend!
Coggy-Thank you for visiting and posting here. I am amazed by this community of women here...it is helping blogging and its especially helping, hearing your voices as well. I wish we all didn't have to be here. But, I'm glad that I've been introduced to you all & to your stories. I would love to read your blog, if it's ok for you. You can email me at angelisa.russo@gmail.com.
Your words are very powerful, Lisa. I think it is good to be angry. I don't blame you. I'd be angry, too!
When I'm angry I play piano, write, and run.
You are so right to be so mad! This is so unjust the hand you have been dealt, the loss of your baby.
When I get mad I go to the gym to physically release the anger until I am too tired to feel it anymore...and of course, endorphins help
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