Fading soon into sleep
I took an ambien
I felt tonight how you are with me
How you will always be with me
This is where we never see...
These moments...
The pictures from our lifetime
And, yet, this is life...
The unknown
The pursuit of our true self...
our true path
You taught me so much
about love, my sweet boy...
And continue to teach me about life
in your death
You, my beautiful sun/soul/shining star
Shall we meet tonight in our dreams?
Shall we sail upon the sea or the silver moon?
Will you pick me up - let me ride on your wings?
You were 2 - body & spirit
You were...
That night when I began to let you go
It was like giving birth again
I had to breathe deep
Open myself
Drink water
Let go...
I let go of you even as I held you in my arms
You died in my arms, oh my sweet boy
And I still have the line upon my belly...
even almost 2 months after you left my womb
Even 6 weeks after your death
The line still lives
Reminds me that here we were,
We shared my body
And, I loved having you inside me
In all this sorrow
You brought me so much joy,
My love,
My sweet, sweet dove
That day in Half Moon Bay
Thea J said, those birds,
they were already coming for you
They don't tell you in those
childbirth classes...
They don't tell you
That your baby could die
That you could do everything
"Right"
That with each contraction,
You could say
"I love you, Salvatore"
To get through the pain
To push real hard
And, that he would flop out,
Limp
No heartbeat for 9 minutes.
2 comments:
Oh Lisa, I have tried so many times to imagine what you must be going through, but I never imagined any of this.
You are so courageous to write it all out. It is simply amazing to read through your experience, and so painful. But each time you write, there is a sense of hope. I'm not sure if you realize that.
Thank you for sharing this with us, and I truly hope this process is helping you.
XOXO Marci
Marss,
Thank you for telling me that you feel a sense of hope each time I write. No, I don't realize this and it's good to hear. I guess that part of me that is an optimist and believes that things will get better somehow, is the same part of me that is pushing me to write. And, even though I might be sharing some of the darkest places I've been to and am at, my hope is that somehow, eventually I'll find some light as well.
Love to you,
Lis
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