Constant Motion

Rough night last night.

I found a blog that is dedicated to Miscarriage, Stillbirth, & Infant Loss

http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/

A wonderful resource, but it was just heartbreaking to see the huge number of blogs out there of women who are mourning their babies. It should in some way I guess, make me feel comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. But, it doesn't at all. Instead, it makes me sad and angry that so many people have to go through this. And, to look at this blog directory and see this HUGE list of blogs...split up by catergories:

Personal Blogs: Miscarriage and Other Losses up to 20 wks
Personal Blogs: Stillbirth and Other Losses 20 wks to term
Personal Blogs: Medical Termination
Personal Blogs: Loss at Birth and Beyond
Personal Blogs: Multiple Losses

Multiple losses. Oy. Yes, I read a women's blog who had suffered multiple miscarriages, then the death of her baby son, Thomas (sounded like a similar story to Salvatore's), failed infertility treatments, and most recently she got pregnant with twins and lost them at 12 weeks. And, she is an amazing writer and obviously, human being, to still be showing up in life and trying to heal. I'm pissed off that any human being should have to go through all that.

Before this happened, I didn't even know that infant death really existed. I knew of people who had lost their baby to some type of birth defects. But, I had such a healthy pregnancy. Besides the first trimester, when I did have a bit of spotting and the Italian doc put me on progesterone and sentenced me to bed rest. That was my one and only scare. The rest of my pregnancy was pretty smooth sailing. I never even suffered from morning sickness (a.k.a. "all day sickness" as I've heard). I was mostly just exhausted. Then into my second trimester is when I got heartburn so often. My mother in-law was like "You're so lucky. Heartburn is nothing. Imagine vomiting ALL the time". She told me that when she was pregnant with Mimmo she couldn't eat or even pass by the butcher's shop without throwing up and the only thing she could keep down was LEMON. Yes, she just ate lemons. And, Mimmo popped out at over 9 lbs.

Salvatore was a constant kicker. He was always in motion. When I'd ask him politely to take it down a notch, buddy so I could go to sleep, Mimmo would put his hand on my tummy and say "Salvatore, give Mamma a rest, ok?,". When we got the ultrasound after arriving in California, he was flopping about so much that the ultrasound tech, who I could tell was a bit frustrated because she was trying to get accurate measurements, said "He's an active one, eh?," "Yes, he is.," I said, already feeling a bit like an apologetic mom when her overactive kid is touching everything in the store. Because Mimmo was one of those boys who was always running around, getting scraped up from this and that (he still somehow manages to do this somehow) and causing (according to his mamma) nothing but trouble, we joked that of course I would have Mimmo's son. Me, the girl who was such a "scaredy cat" and always careful and conscientious as a child marries the bad boy, the "sgrinato" as they called him to then produce our shining bubba, Salvatore, already gleaning himself as a soccer player by practicing those kicks constantly in his mamma's tummy.

Salvatore and I were always on the go from day one. Even when he decided to start growing in my womb (unbeknowst to me), we were on a transatlantic flight from San Francisco to Naples. While we were in Italy, we moved house once. I was working all over Naples teaching in different schools and homes. We drove, took trains & busses. We went to visit Nora in Rome a couple of times and also went to a yoga retreat in Umbria in a gorgeous ancient villa. I distinctly remember this being the first time that I felt his movements. I was in some yoga pose and it literally felt like he did a backflip. "You like yoga, huh?," This was before I knew he was my Salvatore, and not my Sofia as I thought.

We even took a few rides out on the sailboat together. Yes, Salvatore visited the island of Procida several times. We walked around Lake Averno and swam near Aquamorta. We took a transatlantic flight from Rome to Canada, this time at 6 months and luckily with the best legroom in the economy seating house (we were next to the emergency exit). Then Canada to San Francisco and yay, we'd arrived in California! We spent a blissful day on the bay with our friends and family, Mimmo & I getting married for the 3rd time and Salvatore, this time showing up for the ceremony and festivities.

3 months before his birth, we were still all over the place. Housesitting here and there. Salvatore & I also went down to L.A. to audition for that karaoke show (what was it called? The one with Joey Fatone? Is it even still on?) and we made it to the final cut. When the casting lady asked me on tape what I did for a living, I said proudly that I was preparing to be mamma to future world champ soccer player, Salvatore Russo who was always, even in THIS moment practicing those kicks, mammamia. We went to San Francisco twice a week to take our small business course and then in August, a month before he was to come out into the world, Salvatore decided that he wanted to teach Shakespeare. So, we did that for a couple of weeks with SF Shakes, teaching Voice & Movement to kids 7-13 and directing them in "Comedy of Errors". I couldn't exactly have the kids "feel my diaphram", let alone see it when we did breathing exercises, but we did our best and Salvatore really enjoyed teaching stage combat. That was his highlight. When we finished SF Shakes, we had finally found a home (one up to Salvatore's standards. It only took us oh, a month and a half!) and I started nesting. When we had our baby shower, everybody was so impressed by Salvatore's style. "What a stylish baby!," Green was his favorite color.

Salvatore, Mimmo, & I took hypnobirthing classes together and childbirth prep classes. We took the Alta Bates Hospital tour and were impressed. We read books, articles, watched birthing videos and scoured the internet for even more info. Everytime we went in for a check-up and listened to the heartbeat, Toby, my midwife would say "Strong!,". "Yep, he's ready to come out soon," she said towards the end, when it seemed that his heartbeat was already louder than mine. Salvatore was already in position, head down, about a month before he was born. I had a hard time walking from all that weight and pelvic pressure and thought, oh great, OF COURSE you'd have to have a big head now too, wouldn't you (no fault of mine or Mimmo's of course :-) Family & friend began speculating that he'd come out early and women would say "Aren't you soo ready for him to be OUT at this point. Uh, I remember feeling like I just wanted him/her out of my body already,". I didn't feel that way. I enjoyed having Salvatore inside me. I, of course, wanted to see him, but I also...I don't know... wanted him to come out when he was ready. I also felt like I wanted to have things more prepared. We'd just moved, afterall, & I was still sorting out everything. I did wash all his clothes and blankets and got them set up in his mini-dresser. We got the co-sleeper that Mac & Laura lent us and set it up next to the bed. Mimmo put together the IKEA changing table and it fit perfectly in the bathroom. My Thea Ioanna had lent us one of those swings and a very cool baby bassinet. And, we got his green Peg Perego car seat all hooked up. Ok, it was feeling a little bit more real. I was feeling, I guess a bit more prepared (but, it'd still be ok if he decided to come later and give me even more time). Nothing, of course, would have prepared me for what happened. Which is another story for another time.

I'm glad I have these memories though, boo, of you being inside me. 9 months, after all is a pretty long time we shared together. More than the 10 days when you were out in the world.

I miss you, bubba. So so much.